Archive for June 2008
lifesucksloveiscrapfriendhipisoverratedi’malooser
The thing is… i feel stupid always complaining about stuff and never actually doing anything to fix what seems so wrong to me. I just sit there, feeling sorry for myself, and everything else moves foreward without me. I fade away and the whole world just lives with it. Yeah, that’s what i do best: i feel sorry for myself. And i complain. Wanna watch me do it? (oh, i’m really good at it!)
So, i’m 19 and i’m a looser. I’m a shallow girl, always was and always will be, i was never first in my class, nor was i special or extraordinary in a way that anyone would apreciate. I play the guitar, i played the piano, i draw and paint, i (think) i’m good at writing, i did ballet etc etc but i’m not and i was never extraordinary or extremely talented at neither of the things i can or could do. Even though i’m preety smart, that doesn’t seem to help, bassically because i’m lasy, undecided, undetermined, unmotivaded, (always) unhappy, and so on and so forth. I’m also addicted. To a various number of things that i get used to having around me, starting with my boyfriend and ending with i don’t know let’s say coke. I have a messed up life, and an even more messed up mind. I prefer chaos to order. I never play it safe, even if i do take some precautions with the things i do. I’m never sure of anything that’s not clear. I hate axioms, ’cause the’re never demonstrated and there’s no such thing as “self-evident”. What i mean to say is i don’t trust people (yes, i’m anti-social) and i can’t take a valid decision if i’m not 99% sure it’s the right one. That’s why i get stuck easily. I tend to be depressive, i cry a lot (usually on the inside), i tend to be a bitch if i don’t like something or someone ( ergo, i don’t make friends easily), i always want to be right, i almost never ask for help even though i can’t do things without some kind of support, without someone by my side, i’m weak, i’m very very weak, if you figure that out about me and know when and where to hit me, i’m done, i ‘m a pessimist, i think some could say i’m evil, i’m vindictive, i hate betrayal, things hurt me a lot more that i let others see they do, i rarely admit i’m wrong, i like to play with people’s mind, i hate when someone manages to play with my mind, i never think highly of myself, i’m afraid of failure as much as i’m afraid of success, i’m often arogant even if it’s not necessary, i want things that i can’t have, i want things i’m not supposed to have, i see the world in black and white, i stop myself from dreaming because dreams never come true ( ergo i’m just… sad) , i lie a lot, usually to other people, i hate lying to myself, i cheat if i’m given the opportunity, i would steal if knew i wouldn’t get caught, i would hurt someone on purpose if i thought they deserve it… Well i could go on but… i don’t think i’m making much sense, am i?
I haven’t finished figuring me out compltely. Main point: i suck. I would change a million things about me. Not to be a better, kinder, happier person, but to be … something. ’Cause right now i fell like i’m nothing. I can’t find a link between all these things i just wrote about me. I’m a bitch but i’m easily hurt ?! I’m arogant and i want things my way but i’m sad and depressive ?! I always want to be right but i never think highly of myself ?! They don’t fit !!! I’m … broken. (again, this is me complaining about everything). I don’t even get why my boyfriend likes me. ( i said “like”. i don’t even want to begin asking myself why he loves me). I mean, he is an idiot most of the times, but I’m not a genius, i’m not Claudia Schiffer ( yes, i know i have this issue for years now, but it’s not my fault things just don’t make sense in my fucked-up brain!!!!!), I’m broken, i’m not the best he can find, i’m not gonna get considerably better than i am now, i am obviously never ever gonna get even close to being what he is. And he is just… too… good for me. (i hate myself!!!) And, oh my god ! , OH MY GOD !!! one day i’m asking myself how i can love him when he hurts me so easily and the next one (the next day !!! as in … 24 hours later !!!) i’m saying he’s too good for me and i ask myself why he likes me. If that’s not stupid, i don’t know what is. How can i be so… incoherent ???
Ah, i just feel… tired. I just want to get in that place where i’m …ok.
I just wanna open this web page and NOT write 826 words (and counting) about how life sucks, love is crap, friendship is overrated and i’m a looser.
Add a comment June 28, 2008
know the reason why
I’m weak. I know that. But then again, so do some of them, and so does he. I’m taking a break from studying (seems i can’t really study as much as i would have wanted to in the last few weeks… i don’t know if it’s because he’s here and he’s distracting me or because i just don’t feel like it anymore) … and i feel like… shit.
I need a reason for everything. I search for a reason because i need to understand, i need things to make sense in my head, so i can go on dreaming, crying, hoping, asking, screwing up, carrying on, trying, fighting. I need a reason because, without one, i get stuck. I can NOT understand WHY i love him THIS much, despite everything he did, he does and, i’m sure of it, he will do. I am grateful i got the chance to feel something this strong, but i hate the price i’m paying for it. I did not ask for that chance. I didn’t want it. When you decide to see a movie, you first watch a trailer, read a review, ask for an opinion. I didn’t get to see a preview of …. of any of this. Oh, but this is just the tip of the iceberg. I will feel worse than i do now. This is nothing, NOTHING, compared to what i’ve felt and what i will feel. Yeah, so if i know it, then why am i not stopping it? ‘Cause … (come on, say it with me) … i … am … weak.
I know… i know what some of my friends might say. That i’m stupid, “Hello! Get a grip! Are you ignoring or just pretending to ignore everything he does?!” that i deseve better, that i can find something better, that it’s not worth it, ”Oh come on! what, would you die without him?!”. And i get it (no, really, i do). But i just…. can’t. And i… won’t. Ahhhh … fuck. Shit. Why can’t i just be… average? (yup, there’s my ego 
) ‘Cause ignorance IS bliss. Why can’t i just be a little more stupid, a little less involved, a little more superficial, a little less carring.
And a little more focused.
“You’re awful bright, you’re awful smart
I must admit you broke my heart
The awful truth is really sad
I must admit I was awful bad
While lovers laugh and music plays
I stumble by and I hide my pain
The lights are lit, the moon is gone
I think I’ve crossed the Rubicon
I walk the streets of love and they’re full of tears
And I walk the streets of love and they’re full of fears” ( The Rolling Stones – Streets of love )
Life can SUCK so hard sometimes. That’s why blogs were invented 
Add a comment June 27, 2008
harder, faster, forever after.
And then i wish i were stupid and ignorant. I wish i could be wrong from time to time. And then i wish i could hurt him. And then i wish i could kill him. I wish i never met him. I knew it. I hate to say it, and i mean it, i literally HATE to say it, but i knew it. There was no way, NO WAY he could’ve changed over night. I almost belived it. God, i almost started dreaming. Told ya i’d crash so hard this time… Yeah, i crashed. Harder. Faster. Forever after.
Give up, this fight,
There are no second chances,
This time, I might,
To ask the sea for answers…
Add a comment June 21, 2008
Yeah I was your little childhood playground toy
And if i do remember rightly, i said the tables would be turned around (i was, of course, wrong). And, being very VERY stupid, i mentioned it to him too. I told him (in a dreamy moment that i so very much regret right now) that i couldn’t hurt him even if i were able to. That’s all he neded to hear to make him see how easily he can soften me up. Not very bright, are we? I still don’t get why, after all i’ve been through, i still am so stupid.
I’m a retard. And he is FUCKED UP. And i just want everything to fucking stop!
If i ever, EVER catch him lying about anything at all (again), so help me god…
Why? Why the fuck does he feel the need to lie to me, because i’m 99% sure he is, why??? Why, when i never ever gave him a reason to. I am not that kind of girl. I don’t do check-up calls, i didn’t ever (and still don’t) make a scene, i’m not gelous, i don’t even TRY to controll any aspect of his life. So WHY ? It’s not that he doesn’t open up to me, no… we talk a lot… he just lies to me. About almost anything i guess. About things that normal people wouldn’t feel the need to hide. After everything i’ve given up for him, after everything i’ve forgiven him, after knowing what i’ve done and what i would do for him, how can he not trust me? How can he lie to me? How can he? Why does he? What am i missing? What am i doing wrong? I swear i’m not getting it. How can he love me but not trust me? Fuck it, this isn’t even about trust, it’s about him and his FUCKED UP … ego or whatever. I don’t have the energy or the means to find ways to proove every little (and totally unnecessary) lie. I just… don’t know what was/is real and what wasn’t/isn’t.
How can i love him if i don’t even know who he really is? Why do i? This scares me…
Oh, i’ll crash so hard this time…
I don’t want to jump to any conclusions, i don’t want to make false assumptions just for the sake of doubting him, i actually want to belive everything is ok, everything sure seems more than ok most of the time. I really don’t want to argue with him. I just want to know why. ‘Cause it’s killing me. And it’s frustrating me. And it’s also pissing me off !!!!!! I would rather lie to myself by ignoring things that seem odd than go through all this, but aaaaaaargh!!!!!! i can’t. I WANT to trust him, i really do… but i can’t. i just can’t. i can’t i can’t i can’t i can’t i can’t i can’t i can’t i can’t i can’t i can’t i can’t i can’t i can’t i can’t
screw you! screw you! screw you! screw you! screw us!!!! screw you!
Add a comment June 19, 2008
late
Yeah… so ok. The wierd thing is i actually feel stronger when i’m with him. I also feel scared and confused, but on the other hand, that’s how i’ve always felt about him. So i guess we’re ok. We meet every day, we talk a lot, we’re obviously still very atracted to each other, we both feel “in love” (or so we say), it all seems is better than it ever was. Maybe it won’t last that long, maybe we’ll start fighting more often and end up hating each other, but untill then i’m willing to try to just… try this out. I hope it’s not to late (for me). I also hope i’m not wrong about this. That would make me look like an idiot. But, hopefully, i’m just scared and not thinking staight, and love does exist. I hope it does. Even if it doesn’t, it feels good just thinking it does (without knowing for sure that’s not true, ofc).
But i’m still paranoid and i don’t trust people and all that stuff. Everyone just… annoys me. I don’t like A. anymore. At all. And not because of my boyfriend… I just think he’s an idiot. I mean, he literally ignores his girlfriend when he’s with me. I get that he’s very into me and stuff, but he was suposed to meet her around 2, and he didn’t, ’cause he was with me. She called like 5 or 6 times and he kept saying he was busy and eventually, after dropping me off, he went to meet her… at 7 o’clock. I mean, wtf. And seeing that made me relise he would do the same thing with me, if i were to be his girlfriend. Whatever… i don’t even know what i was thinking when i said i liked him.
It’s late. Something’s gotta change, or i’ll end up living just for myself. Also, i should get some sleep, or i’ll end up being a zombie (aka not living at all).
Add a comment June 18, 2008
paranoia.love.reason.sex.fuck.
I’ve tripped again and things are starting to get interesting. Or so they say. I think i may have a problem. I don’t trust anyone anymore (not even myself). In an ancient culture some people (doctors) used to call this paranoia. I call it simple suspiciousness. But heck, what do i know, i’m not a doctor (…yet! *insert evil laugh here*). Another state of counciousness, another act, another game to play, another life to win, another way to not turn around, another way to die inside a little more. The beat goes on, da dum da dum dum, you just stopped singing.
It took me years to get here, and only a couple of seconds to make it mean nothing at all again. One moment when it might have looked like maybe i care, one moment when it seemed like i could begin to hope, one moment when i didn’t bother to keep that attitude that makes the others take a step back before they start drawing conclusions about me. I hesitated. Why did i do that? Whyyyy? I could’ve hidden that, as i do most of the time, but i guess it somehow didn’t feel right this time. But it was. What you feel is almost never what is right.
I like it that he’s here, i like that he sais he loves me, i like the attention, the caring, the talking, the sex… i guess i like a whole lot of stuff about my boyfriend. But… people don’t change. Not that much. Not that fast. Not without a reason. So i don’t get it. How can a person simply start to care?! You can’t just wake up in the morning and tell yourself “today i feel like caring about her (even though during 3 years i didn’t, i actually made her feel like shit and like she doesn’t matter at all and hurt her with every little opportunity that i had… this feels like a good day to change all that with the snap of a finger… that’s what i’ll do.)”. You can’t do that. And that is so sooo annoying frustrating! People don’t just change!!!!! I didn’t change, i’m just hidding who i really am and what i really feel. But i still feel it. I still am, more or less, the way i was before. Now i just learned how to hide, translate, move, block all those things that made me so easy to hurt back then. So wtf…? Wtf is going on? ( this might look as if i’m frustraded, but i’m not [ i know i just said i was frustrated three sentences ago but that's not the point]…) (i am also not retarded) (really, i don’t have a mental condition) (seriously!) (yes i know paranoia is a mental condition… again… not the point) (down syndrome??) (*insert puppy eyes here* why doesn’t anyone take me seriously anymore?)
I … have to get a grip.
I am not EVER going back to that pathetic, naive, sacrificing, weak girl i was back then. E-V-E-R.
FUCK.
1 comment June 12, 2008
oh (don’t) take me back
To the start.
It’s cold up here. I didn’t think i’d ever go back, just for the sake of it. Just for that “what if”. Just to hurt myself again. I’ll go from bad to worse and later back to better, but I’ll never better bridges that I’m bent to burn. I can’t even remember when i started feeling so scared. I was fine a minute ago.
Give me something to believe in
Cause I don’t believe in you anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try
And you told me how you’re feeling
But I don’t believe it’s true anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry (Maroon5 – Makes me wonder)
Every time i’ll close my eyes i’ll see that i’m cold, scared and alone.
Add a comment June 11, 2008
i wish i were a mermaid
and friends with all the fish
a shinny tail and seashells
that would be my wish
( The O.C.)
This would indeed be a great moment for me to turn into a mermaid. Or a ladybug. Or a cute white fat bunny I just want to erase so many aspects of my life, so that i can make room for some new, better ones. I’m gonna try and get some sleep, maybe i’ll wake up in another story, and life will suck a little less.
1 comment June 6, 2008
Protected: if you ever step on my patch i’ll bring you down
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