” I’ve gotta stop my mind / working overtime

July 1, 2008 escapethereality
Tags: jem, me, save

 

It’s driving me insane /
It will not let me live /
Always so negative /
It’s become my enemy ” ( Jem -Save me ) [ btw i love jem <3 ]
 I … miss the seaside. I cannot wait (!!!) to get it over with my stupid exams and just get the hell out of this city. I’ve had enought, i feel traped and that’s not going to help me find my zen moment any time soon Hopefully, two months from now, my life will be back on track again. At least that’s how this is supposed to work. I don’t even remember how it was like when i felt… well, maybe not on  the right track, but right next to it : ) 

I just feel like i have so much to look foreword to, like there’s so much more to life than what it looks like from where i’m standing, and i’ll do anything to get it. As soon as i find out how, ’cause right now, i don’t really see what i could change in my life that would actually make an impact on the way i see the world. Anyway, as a short-term plan, i just want to get the fuck away from my life – this one – for a few weeks. I really do belive (even though i am a pessimist) that sometimes, some aspects of one’s life can be beautiful, and i would really really like to just try to be happy, al least a few seconds once in a while. I know i could, i’m just scared (i guess) that… i don’t know… i’ll somehow loose that at one point and it would suck less if i had nothing to loose at all. (yeah, it sounds dumb to me too). I would really like to be as happy as i could be with my boyfriend, for example. I could let myself feel more, enjoy it more, etc etc. But i don’t. I know, even i’m bored with this subject, but i can’t help myself to think about all that crap i souldn’t think about. What if he doesn’t really love me? What if he’s playing with me? What if i’m not good enough? What if he’ll hurt me? What if he’ll change me? What if i’ll start doing compromises i wouldn’t normally do?  What happens when it stops? What happens when he leaves? What happens when we grow up? BLA BLA BLA… I should really learn to take chances. To play this game better. ‘Cause it is a game, after all, everything is. I could get better at it, i’m just afraid it would make me a colder person in the future, and (as i’ve already done it) i’ll drive everyone that i care about away from me. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger colder. I’ll just start building walls even when i don’t need to.

I would also like to get along better with my friends. With some of them. I just feel… dissapointed in everyone all the time, with no real reason, at least not one that would explain why i have the need to point out everything they do wrong. Plus, i think i can’t really talk about me anymore, they seem to get me wrong everytime. There was a time when talking to someone would make me feel a whole lot better, now i feel nothing, because it’s like i don’t get any feedback. Not all the time. But frequently enough to get me thinking. Guess i should stop thinking…

 

Entry Filed under: reality (or so they've told me)

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