control

So, how does it really work? How does anything work when it’s all just spinning out of control? Do you stop, check your watch, and decide whether you get or don’t get in line for another ride or do you stay where you are and just spin? And if you spin too much, what if you throw up? Do you even get to decide, or are you just supposed to spin? What is up to you and what isn’t?

At any given moment, the brain has 14 billon neurons firing at a speed of 450 miles per hour. We don’t have control over most of that. Thoughts, impulses… How can we control our life if we can’t even have full control over our body?  It’s never black and white. There are always shades of grey. I hate shades. If you’re a very obsessional person, then you can’t give up. You can never say it can’t be understood. You hate the shades, so you want to make them go away. So you never stop. You just don’t stop. You need it to be black and white. You will make it be black and white, if necesary. ‘Cause black and white, you can deal with that. And you so very much want to be able to deal with it. ‘Cause when you’re not dealing with it, it all starts spinning and spinning. 

I’m an obsessional person. I thrive on control. I need control. I always have to double-check things, i have to have a proof, i have to think over and over just to make sure i’m right. I need a clear picture, with a high resolution, i need the light to be perfect and i want it to mean something. Otherwise, it’s the spinning, and the confusion, and the doubt, and the blur, and the black-outs and…

Oh yeah… or you can just let go. But then who knows where you’ll fall down?

2 comments August 31, 2008

et apres

Just like i’m more scared of succes than failure, i guess i’m also more afraid of being happy than being sad. Maybe because i got used to it. To failing, screwing up, getting hurt, making wrong choises, being sad, being dissapointed, getting hurt, breaking down, getting nowhere, comming to nothing, getting hurt again… and again… and again… Maybe because those few moments i’m actually happy always take me by surprise and i’m too amaised to belive it. Anything that’s new somehow ends up scaring me. Maybe because i strangle my nights untill daylight, just to get pass the outside silence and my inner chaos.

Anyway, i guess things can sometimes suck less and actually be good, and i can (surprisingly) smile. Of course, that lasts for two seconds, then reality kicks in, and i get to go back to being myself: sad, insecure and depressive. But if i’m getting the right picture here (and i really really hope i am), i had an almost perfect week, better, brighter and more intense than i expected. Yeah… exept now i’m back to… reality. I hate reality. ‘Cause it’s not mine.  

 Words never seem dificult to use, as long as we can all have them. But can we? It’s a lot harder that it looks to actually own them. I’m not sure i always say what i mean. Or mean what i say. Or… whatever. I forgot what the point of this post was. Hmm…

My mind and soul are out of phase.

“Don’t get lost in heaven
They got locks on the gate
Don’t go over the edge
You’ll make a big mistake” ( Gorillaz – Don’t Get Lost in Heaven )

2 comments August 4, 2008