today

I’m the most lucid character of this story. That’s the way is has to be, all the rest of them are just numbed by the simple possibility of living.

Assuming sometimes, yes, people matter, are they really irreplaceble? I mean how much would you have to feel to get there? Maybe i’m out of line here, and no, i do not really have a point with this, i’m just making conversation, i’m entertaining myself since i can’t sleep (nothing surprising here… ok moving on), so, maybe i’m out of line but i think overall it’s not the person that matters, it’s the spot he is sitting on. It’s the is-the-spotlight-bright-enough-to-make-me-count. It’s where you get, how fast you get there and how you see the world from the rooftops. So isn’t not being sure you are where you should be scary?

I never got why i’m so fascinated and intrigued at the same time by everything that’s evil, wrong and prohibited, why i sometimes enjoy pain more than pleasure, why from time to time making someone cry or at least make him really upset gives me a lot more satisfaction than making people laugh for instance. Oh, don’t get me wrong, i’m not that evil, i just have an appetite for these things. Oh i also lie a lot, i got used to lieing just because it made my life easier and things are just more in your control when you set  it up just the way you want it. I like that.

I also like whip cream and long walks on the beach (too oldfashioned?). Cats and skate shoes. Cheese and finishing a book in a couple of hours. Smoking and staying up late. Sex and taking pictures. Daydreaming and listening to rhcp. Confusing people and (most of all) making fun of myself. Oh god, i really don’t have a point with this post now do i?

1 comment January 14, 2009

everything else.

Sit through the night, touch the sky, touch the void, claim what’s yours, get closer and closer to what you need, touch the back of your hand and then fall right back in the world you’re traped in, in the city full of people you’ll never know, then slowly start to forget and care less. Back and forth and on and on.

I already miss tomorow.

How can i smile more often if everything’s senseless all the time? Touch me, touch me ’cause it’s the only way i can feel alive.

Trying to get me? Stop trying. I don’t even get myself, so i guess it’s fucking pointless now isn’t it. Yeah… i thought so. Trying to understand others always seemed so easy to me. I almost have fun doing it, it’s so damn obvoius, it’s so fucking amaising how everything matches, how everything fits.. ‘Cause it’s not me. Figuring me out completely, that’s one thing i’ve never done. I don’t even think i even tried. Or maybe i did, failed, then erased it from my mind. Yeah…

 inhale

exhale

inhale

exhale

inhale

inhale

inhale

It’s ok, we’ll take care of it, of course we will. The road will start spinning, rain will fall on my skin, i’ll shiver, fuck i forgot where and when we were, were we? are we? …what? i can’t tell the difference, i’ll just have to guess. I’m guessing. I hate that. Where was i? I feel like i’m wasted all the time. There’s always so much more left to say…

Ah, again, where was i? Noone’s ever answered this one…

I don’t know. 

“why do you always have to say that??”

I… don’t know.

anything else..?

…everything else.

1 comment December 28, 2008

control

So, how does it really work? How does anything work when it’s all just spinning out of control? Do you stop, check your watch, and decide whether you get or don’t get in line for another ride or do you stay where you are and just spin? And if you spin too much, what if you throw up? Do you even get to decide, or are you just supposed to spin? What is up to you and what isn’t?

At any given moment, the brain has 14 billon neurons firing at a speed of 450 miles per hour. We don’t have control over most of that. Thoughts, impulses… How can we control our life if we can’t even have full control over our body?  It’s never black and white. There are always shades of grey. I hate shades. If you’re a very obsessional person, then you can’t give up. You can never say it can’t be understood. You hate the shades, so you want to make them go away. So you never stop. You just don’t stop. You need it to be black and white. You will make it be black and white, if necesary. ‘Cause black and white, you can deal with that. And you so very much want to be able to deal with it. ‘Cause when you’re not dealing with it, it all starts spinning and spinning. 

I’m an obsessional person. I thrive on control. I need control. I always have to double-check things, i have to have a proof, i have to think over and over just to make sure i’m right. I need a clear picture, with a high resolution, i need the light to be perfect and i want it to mean something. Otherwise, it’s the spinning, and the confusion, and the doubt, and the blur, and the black-outs and…

Oh yeah… or you can just let go. But then who knows where you’ll fall down?

2 comments August 31, 2008

et apres

Just like i’m more scared of succes than failure, i guess i’m also more afraid of being happy than being sad. Maybe because i got used to it. To failing, screwing up, getting hurt, making wrong choises, being sad, being dissapointed, getting hurt, breaking down, getting nowhere, comming to nothing, getting hurt again… and again… and again… Maybe because those few moments i’m actually happy always take me by surprise and i’m too amaised to belive it. Anything that’s new somehow ends up scaring me. Maybe because i strangle my nights untill daylight, just to get pass the outside silence and my inner chaos.

Anyway, i guess things can sometimes suck less and actually be good, and i can (surprisingly) smile. Of course, that lasts for two seconds, then reality kicks in, and i get to go back to being myself: sad, insecure and depressive. But if i’m getting the right picture here (and i really really hope i am), i had an almost perfect week, better, brighter and more intense than i expected. Yeah… exept now i’m back to… reality. I hate reality. ‘Cause it’s not mine.  

 Words never seem dificult to use, as long as we can all have them. But can we? It’s a lot harder that it looks to actually own them. I’m not sure i always say what i mean. Or mean what i say. Or… whatever. I forgot what the point of this post was. Hmm…

My mind and soul are out of phase.

“Don’t get lost in heaven
They got locks on the gate
Don’t go over the edge
You’ll make a big mistake” ( Gorillaz – Don’t Get Lost in Heaven )

2 comments August 4, 2008
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time-off

So… i got into med school. Yeeei. So i guess now i can take some time-off. I, for one, feel i deserve it… I think i’m… almost happy. I’m glad i could clean up at least part of the mess i made in my life. Even if not everything is perfect in my life, i just feel…ok.   I hope this feeling can last a little bit longer.

Add a comment July 27, 2008
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hai

O sa fac o a doua exceptie si o sa scriu alte doua randuri in romana. S-ar putea sa tot fac exceptii d-astea, ca din momentul in care exista un precedent…

Vroiam sa ma aerisesc de noaptea trecuta, imbacsita de indoielile pe care mi le lasa aproape intentionat parca fiecare privire in care ochii ii stralucesc, degetele ii tremura infundat, camera se invarte si mie mi se face frica. Pentru ca nu stiu sa joc ca el. N-am putut s-o fac niciodata. Sa mor daca ma prind. Nici macar nu e vorba de incredere. Cu toate indoielile pe care le am si le voi avea, i do trust him, perhaps much more than i should… n-as putea sa explic exact de ce…

Cred ca petrecem prea mult timp impreuna.  Avem asa ocazia sa incepem sa cerem din ce in ca mai mult, din ce in ce mai repede, si sa ne epuizam unul pe celalalt intr-un ritm care mie mi se pare riscant. Ar fi mult prea trist, stii… Dupa atata timp, sa ajungem sa futem totul pur si simplu pentru ca nu gestionam cum trebuie anumite aspecte. Mult prea trist si mult prea banal.

 Imi acopar ochiul drept cu palma, sa vad doar o jumatate. Cealalta. Trag usa dupa mine. Fara sa ies sau sa intru in camera.

Hai sa ne bagam pula. Toti in acelasi timp. Oricum… totul e dus dracu’ de pe-acum. Si daca nu e, if anything can go wrong, it will. Nu? Deci, hai.

Add a comment July 10, 2008

i hate chemistry

“Don’t think about it” is, i figured, a good advice.

After all, it’s just chemical reactions, right? Love, hate, happiness, desire, frustration, and so on… the’re all just chemical reactions inside my brain.

 And i HATE chemistry.

1 comment July 5, 2008
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by mistake

O sa fac o exceptie si o sa scriu doua randuri in romana, pentru ca nu pot gasi un echivalent in engleza pentru a exprima starea mea actuala.

Sa ma asez, sa respir, sa-mi verific pulsul, sa-mi adancesc mainile uscate in intimitatea buzunarelor, sa prind din zbor cuvinte supreme, je t’aime, sa-mi caut visele intr-un apartament in care ma jucam, je t’aime, strazile sa-mi spuna ca n-am trecut de mana pe-aici, moi non plus, sa-mi iau visele sa le aduc inapoi in lumea reala… Sa-mi ridic privirea, sa-mi dau ochii peste cap ca sa ametesc, sa ma descalt, sa-mi las hainele la intrare. Si sa intreb lumea, ca apoi ea sa ma intrebe defapt pe mine cum pot sa raman langa el dupa 4 (!!!) ani de absente, rataciri, realitati subiective, o liniste si o tacere mult prea acuzatoare. Si atatea saruturi vinovate intre.

Hai sa facem schimb.

E mai mult, e prea mult… cat e de putin!

I almost feel better now… Almost.       : )

1 comment July 5, 2008
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La vie, c’est une tartine de merde

Yeah, i thought so too. But there’s not much you can do about it, now is there?

(my recent posts tent to be a bit… different from those i wrote let’s say like a month ago, don’t they?)

6 in the morning. Noises. Coffe. Cigarttes. Music. More cigarettes. Noises again. Always noises. Turning up the volume. CocoRosie. Their music fits so well right now. Turning up the volume again and again… I don’t want to hear you. Any of you. Let me go and fuck off. Stop staring, your eyes are empty. F-U-C-K  OFF.

19 1/2 years, so what’s next?

 Take time to catch my breath, start from the begining, screw it up all over again, how long can i keep going like this? It’s all right wrong to make mistakes. Not only is it wrong, it’s also stupid! I just want to do things right. ‘Cause i could be so much more than i am now. I could climb so much higher. I’m cutting myself back, but i don’t know why.

So what’s next? Nothing. End of story.

If i’m sleeping less, am i living more?

1 comment July 3, 2008
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” I’ve gotta stop my mind / working overtime

 

It’s driving me insane /
It will not let me live /
Always so negative /
It’s become my enemy ” ( Jem -Save me ) [ btw i love jem ❤ ]
 I … miss the seaside. I cannot wait (!!!) to get it over with my stupid exams and just get the hell out of this city. I’ve had enought, i feel traped and that’s not going to help me find my zen moment any time soon Hopefully, two months from now, my life will be back on track again. At least that’s how this is supposed to work. I don’t even remember how it was like when i felt… well, maybe not on  the right track, but right next to it : ) 

I just feel like i have so much to look foreword to, like there’s so much more to life than what it looks like from where i’m standing, and i’ll do anything to get it. As soon as i find out how, ’cause right now, i don’t really see what i could change in my life that would actually make an impact on the way i see the world. Anyway, as a short-term plan, i just want to get the fuck away from my life – this one – for a few weeks. I really do belive (even though i am a pessimist) that sometimes, some aspects of one’s life can be beautiful, and i would really really like to just try to be happy, al least a few seconds once in a while. I know i could, i’m just scared (i guess) that… i don’t know… i’ll somehow loose that at one point and it would suck less if i had nothing to loose at all. (yeah, it sounds dumb to me too). I would really like to be as happy as i could be with my boyfriend, for example. I could let myself feel more, enjoy it more, etc etc. But i don’t. I know, even i’m bored with this subject, but i can’t help myself to think about all that crap i souldn’t think about. What if he doesn’t really love me? What if he’s playing with me? What if i’m not good enough? What if he’ll hurt me? What if he’ll change me? What if i’ll start doing compromises i wouldn’t normally do?  What happens when it stops? What happens when he leaves? What happens when we grow up? BLA BLA BLA… I should really learn to take chances. To play this game better. ‘Cause it is a game, after all, everything is. I could get better at it, i’m just afraid it would make me a colder person in the future, and (as i’ve already done it) i’ll drive everyone that i care about away from me. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger colder. I’ll just start building walls even when i don’t need to.

I would also like to get along better with my friends. With some of them. I just feel… dissapointed in everyone all the time, with no real reason, at least not one that would explain why i have the need to point out everything they do wrong. Plus, i think i can’t really talk about me anymore, they seem to get me wrong everytime. There was a time when talking to someone would make me feel a whole lot better, now i feel nothing, because it’s like i don’t get any feedback. Not all the time. But frequently enough to get me thinking. Guess i should stop thinking…

 

Add a comment July 1, 2008
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