et apres

Just like i’m more scared of succes than failure, i guess i’m also more afraid of being happy than being sad. Maybe because i got used to it. To failing, screwing up, getting hurt, making wrong choises, being sad, being dissapointed, getting hurt, breaking down, getting nowhere, comming to nothing, getting hurt again… and again… and again… Maybe because those few moments i’m actually happy always take me by surprise and i’m too amaised to belive it. Anything that’s new somehow ends up scaring me. Maybe because i strangle my nights untill daylight, just to get pass the outside silence and my inner chaos.

Anyway, i guess things can sometimes suck less and actually be good, and i can (surprisingly) smile. Of course, that lasts for two seconds, then reality kicks in, and i get to go back to being myself: sad, insecure and depressive. But if i’m getting the right picture here (and i really really hope i am), i had an almost perfect week, better, brighter and more intense than i expected. Yeah… exept now i’m back to… reality. I hate reality. ‘Cause it’s not mine.  

 Words never seem dificult to use, as long as we can all have them. But can we? It’s a lot harder that it looks to actually own them. I’m not sure i always say what i mean. Or mean what i say. Or… whatever. I forgot what the point of this post was. Hmm…

My mind and soul are out of phase.

“Don’t get lost in heaven
They got locks on the gate
Don’t go over the edge
You’ll make a big mistake” ( Gorillaz – Don’t Get Lost in Heaven )

2 comments August 4, 2008