time-off

So… i got into med school. Yeeei. So i guess now i can take some time-off. I, for one, feel i deserve it… I think i’m… almost happy. I’m glad i could clean up at least part of the mess i made in my life. Even if not everything is perfect in my life, i just feel…ok.   I hope this feeling can last a little bit longer.

Add a comment July 27, 2008

hai

O sa fac o a doua exceptie si o sa scriu alte doua randuri in romana. S-ar putea sa tot fac exceptii d-astea, ca din momentul in care exista un precedent…

Vroiam sa ma aerisesc de noaptea trecuta, imbacsita de indoielile pe care mi le lasa aproape intentionat parca fiecare privire in care ochii ii stralucesc, degetele ii tremura infundat, camera se invarte si mie mi se face frica. Pentru ca nu stiu sa joc ca el. N-am putut s-o fac niciodata. Sa mor daca ma prind. Nici macar nu e vorba de incredere. Cu toate indoielile pe care le am si le voi avea, i do trust him, perhaps much more than i should… n-as putea sa explic exact de ce…

Cred ca petrecem prea mult timp impreuna.  Avem asa ocazia sa incepem sa cerem din ce in ca mai mult, din ce in ce mai repede, si sa ne epuizam unul pe celalalt intr-un ritm care mie mi se pare riscant. Ar fi mult prea trist, stii… Dupa atata timp, sa ajungem sa futem totul pur si simplu pentru ca nu gestionam cum trebuie anumite aspecte. Mult prea trist si mult prea banal.

 Imi acopar ochiul drept cu palma, sa vad doar o jumatate. Cealalta. Trag usa dupa mine. Fara sa ies sau sa intru in camera.

Hai sa ne bagam pula. Toti in acelasi timp. Oricum… totul e dus dracu’ de pe-acum. Si daca nu e, if anything can go wrong, it will. Nu? Deci, hai.

Add a comment July 10, 2008

i hate chemistry

“Don’t think about it” is, i figured, a good advice.

After all, it’s just chemical reactions, right? Love, hate, happiness, desire, frustration, and so on… the’re all just chemical reactions inside my brain.

 And i HATE chemistry.

1 comment July 5, 2008

by mistake

O sa fac o exceptie si o sa scriu doua randuri in romana, pentru ca nu pot gasi un echivalent in engleza pentru a exprima starea mea actuala.

Sa ma asez, sa respir, sa-mi verific pulsul, sa-mi adancesc mainile uscate in intimitatea buzunarelor, sa prind din zbor cuvinte supreme, je t’aime, sa-mi caut visele intr-un apartament in care ma jucam, je t’aime, strazile sa-mi spuna ca n-am trecut de mana pe-aici, moi non plus, sa-mi iau visele sa le aduc inapoi in lumea reala… Sa-mi ridic privirea, sa-mi dau ochii peste cap ca sa ametesc, sa ma descalt, sa-mi las hainele la intrare. Si sa intreb lumea, ca apoi ea sa ma intrebe defapt pe mine cum pot sa raman langa el dupa 4 (!!!) ani de absente, rataciri, realitati subiective, o liniste si o tacere mult prea acuzatoare. Si atatea saruturi vinovate intre.

Hai sa facem schimb.

E mai mult, e prea mult… cat e de putin!

I almost feel better now… Almost.       : )

1 comment July 5, 2008

La vie, c’est une tartine de merde

Yeah, i thought so too. But there’s not much you can do about it, now is there?

(my recent posts tent to be a bit… different from those i wrote let’s say like a month ago, don’t they?)

6 in the morning. Noises. Coffe. Cigarttes. Music. More cigarettes. Noises again. Always noises. Turning up the volume. CocoRosie. Their music fits so well right now. Turning up the volume again and again… I don’t want to hear you. Any of you. Let me go and fuck off. Stop staring, your eyes are empty. F-U-C-K  OFF.

19 1/2 years, so what’s next?

 Take time to catch my breath, start from the begining, screw it up all over again, how long can i keep going like this? It’s all right wrong to make mistakes. Not only is it wrong, it’s also stupid! I just want to do things right. ‘Cause i could be so much more than i am now. I could climb so much higher. I’m cutting myself back, but i don’t know why.

So what’s next? Nothing. End of story.

If i’m sleeping less, am i living more?

1 comment July 3, 2008

” I’ve gotta stop my mind / working overtime

It’s driving me insane /
It will not let me live /
Always so negative /
It’s become my enemy ” ( Jem -Save me ) [ btw i love jem ❤ ]
 I … miss the seaside. I cannot wait (!!!) to get it over with my stupid exams and just get the hell out of this city. I’ve had enought, i feel traped and that’s not going to help me find my zen moment any time soon Hopefully, two months from now, my life will be back on track again. At least that’s how this is supposed to work. I don’t even remember how it was like when i felt… well, maybe not on  the right track, but right next to it : ) 

I just feel like i have so much to look foreword to, like there’s so much more to life than what it looks like from where i’m standing, and i’ll do anything to get it. As soon as i find out how, ’cause right now, i don’t really see what i could change in my life that would actually make an impact on the way i see the world. Anyway, as a short-term plan, i just want to get the fuck away from my life – this one – for a few weeks. I really do belive (even though i am a pessimist) that sometimes, some aspects of one’s life can be beautiful, and i would really really like to just try to be happy, al least a few seconds once in a while. I know i could, i’m just scared (i guess) that… i don’t know… i’ll somehow loose that at one point and it would suck less if i had nothing to loose at all. (yeah, it sounds dumb to me too). I would really like to be as happy as i could be with my boyfriend, for example. I could let myself feel more, enjoy it more, etc etc. But i don’t. I know, even i’m bored with this subject, but i can’t help myself to think about all that crap i souldn’t think about. What if he doesn’t really love me? What if he’s playing with me? What if i’m not good enough? What if he’ll hurt me? What if he’ll change me? What if i’ll start doing compromises i wouldn’t normally do?  What happens when it stops? What happens when he leaves? What happens when we grow up? BLA BLA BLA… I should really learn to take chances. To play this game better. ‘Cause it is a game, after all, everything is. I could get better at it, i’m just afraid it would make me a colder person in the future, and (as i’ve already done it) i’ll drive everyone that i care about away from me. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger colder. I’ll just start building walls even when i don’t need to.

I would also like to get along better with my friends. With some of them. I just feel… dissapointed in everyone all the time, with no real reason, at least not one that would explain why i have the need to point out everything they do wrong. Plus, i think i can’t really talk about me anymore, they seem to get me wrong everytime. There was a time when talking to someone would make me feel a whole lot better, now i feel nothing, because it’s like i don’t get any feedback. Not all the time. But frequently enough to get me thinking. Guess i should stop thinking…

Add a comment July 1, 2008